I was the new guitarist for Gojira (who, if you don't know, is a french death metal band, very technical and very fast crazy music) .. and we were playing a big ass show in front of shit loads of people, and i DEFINITELY did not know how to play the songs.. but the lead singer/guitarist was very supportive and helpful, and kept showin me stuff.. he also kept changing between being James Hetfield, lead singer/guitarist of Metallica (and i HOPE all of you already KNOW that!) and Shane Halpern, the singer/guitarist of a band a played in a long time ago called Keepsake.. and i remember somehow bullshitting my way through a whole song, getting to the end chord, and everybody was cheering and i was throwing up the horns and lookin out at the crowd.. and my friend Scottie Reddix and Peter Toh were both there.. i could see big ass Scottie from way far back, and he was hootin and hollerin for me.. and Pete was right up at the stage, rockin a backwards hat and we hi-fived.. i still felt very awkward up there for some reason.. and there was this one part where the whole band starts doing the robot.. and i'm not good at the robot.. so i felt stupid... and in lulls between songs James/Shane/Gojira dude was showin me stuff and tellin me to mess around and play some riffs to entertain the crowd... but i was so nervous and uncomfortable and unprepared, i jus felt too weird.. then he tells me, okay you start this next one.. and he started showin me the riff, but then for some reason we all just started to walk off stage..
Then we were in the backstage area, just kinda mulling around, havin a beer, talkin to eachother, and the roadies and bandmates were all futzing around with some equipment, trying to get some shit to work.. which i guess was broken and thats why we all left the stage.. and my friend Stephanie was back there hanging out on a couch.. and i was still wearing my guitar, and it was still plugged in, and the crowd was still out there and they could here me.. and i kept playin lil riffs and tuning.. and it was weird.. and they were getting restless.. so this two-man band went out to play for a bit.. one dude played guitar, and the other dude screamed.. he looked like one of those wigger slam metalcore kids.. with his sideways white hat and everything.. it actually sounded pretty full for being a guitar and a singer.. but.. the crowd was slowly dispersing and thinning out.. then the dudes told me they cant fix it and thats it for the night.. show over.. so i started packing up, and i was talkin to Stephanie over the top of a bunkbed.. =\ .. and there was some old time rocknroller dude lyin on top talkin with us too.. and another old rocker dude standing next to me.. when all of a sudden Neil fucking Diamond rolls in! holding a guitar case in one hand, and goes to the back room... and we're all crazy starstruck and start singing 'Sweet Caroline' together.. and Steph and I looked at eachother under the bunk bed, and she kinda looked like Neil Diamond for a second.. and it really creeped me out.. then the old rocker dude standing wit me starts tellin me bout all the autographs he's gotten over the years, and i was tryin to show him my Ultimate Warrior autograph tattoo, but it was super hard to lift up my shirt for some reason... and finally i got it up enough for him to see, and he was so stoked on it! then i showed him my Gene Simmons autograph tattoo, and he was even MORE stoked! =) it was funny... then me and Stephanie took off and we were at some sorta school auditorium stage type thing, about to play some battle of the bands.. and i was thanking her for coming to my show, and i had a real good time.. and then she showed me two of her fingers had this gash on top of them, that was SO FUCKING BAD! it was to the bone, and big and deep and huge and it looked like her fingers could totally fall off at any second.. and i started freaking out, but she had some sorta black electrical tape wrapped around em, but like INSIDE the wound.. almost like the tape was wrapped around the bone... UGGGHHHH it was so gross! but for some reason we just sorta left it alone, and carried on.. and then we were watching a news story on TV.. but we were actually there watching it outside in real life.. but i guess we could HEAR the announcer or reporter or whatever... fucking weird now that i think back on it... anyway... the story was about how this man had turned his regular white Ford van into an ice cream truck, just using a couple pieces of particle board and some white paint, and a lil heart shaped red light thing to stick on the front.. then next thing i know, me and Stephanie are hanging off the side of the van while its driving itself all over town, following the news van, who apparently is trying to chase some sorta crazy story, and we're goin all fast and erratic, taking fast ass turns, and we're jus standing on the running board holding on to the handles inside the window.. and having a fucking awesome ass time! then we get to this big circle turnaround thing in the road and the van just keeps going around and around and around, all fast, and we start gettin a lil scared.. and Stephanie says 'what is this, gay retarded asshole day??' it seemed to me that that was her way of saying she was gettin scared, while also remaining tough and talking shit.. but i agreed, it was gettin scary...... then all of a sudden the van took off down this road, with a nice thin grass island running through the middle of it, kinda like a downhill Sanfrancisco type street... and we cut a hard right at the water front.. which was this beautiful river, and it was a nice sunny day and all these people kayaking and having picnics on the grass.. and Stephanie was all excited, she was like aww mykee look at this! i cant believe i missed out on this all summer! they have kayaking and activities fishing and claymation.. =\ yeah... but then we were driving ON the river, and passed by this lil outcrop of land, and all of a sudden this gang of black dudes comes out onto it holding this one dude in front of them in a full nelson, and they were gonna kill him and throw him into the river.. (the juxtaposition of the beautiful sunny day on the waterfront, and these thugs about to kill some dude on the nice lil grassy outcrop was really surreal.. but, not like ANYYYY of the rest of this dream is surreal at all HA!) it seemed like thats who the van was trying to catch and the going around the circle over and over, and the speeding down the hill, and the driving on the river, was all just to time it perfectly so we passed by these thugs at the very precise moment that we did.. but the news van was the one that was orchestrating the whole maneuver.. but it was nowhere to be seen... and as we passed them, our van took a sharp right turn off of the river and on to the side bank.. like it was time to regulate and stop these guys! but me and Steph didnt have the ability to do this!! and as soon as we pulled over onto the bank all cowboy here i come to save the day like, the thugs all started running towards us.. and it was gettin really scary! and the news van was nowhere to be seen! and then i woke up.... phewww...
BUT THEN I WENT BACK TO SLEEP FOR A LIL WHILE.......... and i was in this room sitting on the floor talking to some dude, and he was showing me pictures of myself and the hot redhead chick from Grey's Anatomy, and i had her all beat up, and i was slicing her throat and killing her! and i didnt remember doing this at all! and it was extra weird, cuz i would NEVER do that to HER especially.. she's like one of the most beautiful specimens of woman in the world! and he was gonna show these pictures to somebody for some reason, and also, for some reason, it wasnt a big deal.. i didnt seem to care, i think i was just more excited that i had hung out with that beautiful woman.. but then i took them all and put em in my pocket.... and found myself on a big huge cruiseship yacht with my family and random ass people from my life.. and it was time to go to sleep, in this lil cabin i had.. and my parent's good friend Robin was gonna lie with me, and she said she was hot, so she kept taking off more and more of her clothes, until she was just in her bra and panties (which was a lil teenie thong, that i kept thinking is a litttttttle too young for someone her age.. although it DID look pretty hot.) and i kept turning on the fan and trying to cool her down so she'd put her clothes back on.. and she made me spoon with her, which, i guess i didnt mind all that much haha! but i started feeling weird, cuz her husband is a very awesome dude, and he was sleeping in a bed right in the other room, and our door was open! and i think their daughter was even sleeping on the floor in OUR cabin! OH and Robin kept switching back and forth from being herself, to being her daughter.. (and i'll leave out full names to protect the innocent and make me seem like less of an asshole, but her daughter..... well.... lets jus say.. she aint the BEST lookin chick out there.. jus sayin, i dont want the story line imagery thrown off with you readers imagining the hot young daughter in bed wit me.. more like, the big fat ugly daughter lyin in bed with me... but she DOES have big boobies.. and thats always a plus...... jus sayin.....) and at a moment when it was the daughter, and she was only in her underwears, and things were seemingly looking pretttttttty unadulterated.. she decides to yell out her fathers name and ask if he could bring ME some juice! i was like, nooooo! why the fuck would you get yer dads attention right now! and why the fuck would you say its cuz I wanted him to get me something!!? but luckily he was all lying off the end of the bed and sleeping and lifted his head up and said 'maybe later.. i'm sleeping!' .. so... phewwww disaster averted.. then i decided it was time to get up and take a shower, and it took me a long time to find all of my shower accessories in my backpack.. and the daughter/mom kept tryin to get me to come back and lie down.. and yeah, i had a boner.. what of it!? so, i wrapped my towel around myself, found all my shower stuff, and got the heck outta there........ and woke the heck up! .......
what the fuck?
-MM
PLEASE say I'm the Neil Diamond faced Stephanie who says "what is this, gay retarded asshole day"
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