The Saddest Dream I've Ever Had.

This was almost 2 years ago now, but the feelings drudged up from it still resonate in me sometimes.

October 22, 2008:

i was about to start attending the harry potter school.. and i was taking some sort of entrance test that you take over the computer on webcam with one of the wizards, in one of the classrooms there.. and he was doing hand signals that i had to interpret.. but they were so easy.. like he would point to the left and ask 'which way am i pointing?' and i was playing around cuz i didnt think it was that big a deal, and cuz the questions were so easy... but i guess there were deeper aspects of the questions and answers that i didnt quite pick up on.. and i ended up getting a low rating or classification or whatever and it was upsetting.. but didnt matter too much.. it jus gave me a different sized emoticon on the schools chat room or some shit =\ .... so anyway... then i was in the hallways and the school was under attack by soul suckers, and i saw some of the teachers all fucked up and stumbling around, telling everybody to run and hide... and i didnt know where to go.. and i saw the soul suckers floating down the hallways touching everybody and killing them... they were some floaty scary mother fuckers, with long fucked up black robes and hoods with no faces, floating around touching people with their long boney fingers.. the school was sorta set up like the middle school that i went to (which comes up in lots of my dreams for some reason) and i tried standing up against a pillar but it didnt seem safe.. and eventually i couldnt hide or run anywhere else and i saw one comin, so i laid down on the floor, face down, next to someone else as it was coming.. and i closed my eyes and jus tried to be still, and i felt this weird feeling when it touched me, like being zapped, but not a sharp electrocute, it was heavy and shook my whole being, like a real heavy cloudy vibration shock, real deep to the core.. then i opened my eyes and the whole world was veiled in grey and shaky and blurry like i was looking at it through some other dimension (kinda how Frodo sees the world when he's got the Ring on, in the LOTR movies).. or a weird cloudy wavy grey bubble.. then slowly... everything started to become clear again and i could see around me, but i wasnt in the school anymore, i was lying on this pile of round woven wicker disc type things, in a stack, each one was probably bout 3 feet across.. and they were all filled with lots of different colored balls, like ball pit ball size, but they were soft, and i was lying on top of the top one, on the balls, face down with my arms and legs draped over the sides, and i slowly woke up and got up, and looked around and i was out in this beautiful courtyard garden type place with lots of beautiful flowers and greenery all around.. it was all bright and a lovely temperature, and all these people were sitting at long picnic table type tables, doin arts and crafts, and jus talking, and eating, just hangin out, feeling good and seeming pretty content and happy.. and i looked around, and it was all these random people from my life, and others i didnt know, but man, there were some random faces i hadnt thought of in YEARS... and they were all smiling and happy.. and then i noticed Sense Field was playing at a nice volume all around... i'm pretty sure it was the song 'Here Right Here'.. (you can hear the song HERE.. its kinda suiting and weird that my brain picked that to be playing when i woke up in heaven..) and i saw some lady standing up walkin around, and she smiled at me, and i was so confused, but i asked 'is this heaven?' and she said it was... and i was like 'wow.. Sense Field... how suiting.. i always thought they would probably play Sense Field in heaven..' (i dont think i've ever actually thought that.. but in my dream i thought that i had.. haha who knows..) it was jus perfect.. and it made sense.... then the reality of what the fuck was happening started to sink in.. and i started to get super sad.. cuz i was dead.. and in heaven... and i had so much unfinished stuff left to do with my life.. deep, helpless, sadness sunk in.. and it was even worse cuz i was thinking, wow, i'm in heaven and i'm STILL feeling sadness? that's pretty fucked up.. and then i was being shown around by some lady with blonde hair.. and i was so sad and kept crying.. real hard and deep.. and i had a little toy tomato in my hand that i was playing with, like a stress ball or something, jus pushin on it, and weeping while we walked... she said my mom was here, and had killed herself after she heard i died... i was jus like 'oh' .. then we crossed a big expanse of desert looking area, but it only took a minute or so... and we got to some racketball type courts, and people were playing racketball against the walls.. and i saw some guy who i didnt recognize but he looked kinda familiar, kinda like he was maybe my father, but he wasnt... weird.. he was wearing a white headband and big sunglasses.. and he was like 'mykee is that you? hi!' but i walked past him cuz i saw my mom playing racketball with my parents gay friend, Mark, that my dad has known since he was real young.. he's a real close familly friend, and a super nice dude.... so i see them playin together, and i go over to them, and i'm jus so fucking sad... and i say hi to mark and shake his hand, and my mom comes up to me and says 'welcome home' ... sheesh... then i'm jus standing there with my head down jus playin wit the toy tomato.. sorta sulking... the saddest i could ever imagine feeling.. . and she's like why are you so sad... and i jus break down... balling my fucking eyes out, and we're sitting on the floor and she's holding me and i'm fucking crying like a little baby in her arms, hugging her.. and i'm like 'mom why did you kill yourself?' and she said that when she saw in the newspaper that the soulsuckers had killed me she just didnt want to deal with the pain and loss, so she just commited suicide.. (and i was able to see the scene in my head while she told me, i saw her sitting at the kitchen table with a newspaper article cut out in front of her, and i saw the toy tomato there too on the table...) and i was fucking crying and hugging her and she was holding me.......on a racketball court.... in the middle of a desert.... in heaven........ and then i woke up.......